Just Too Much Going On

5.30.20

Hello Friends....

Not the post I was going to post...
Just too much going on in my little world and the big world...

So in short, I had a really rough week from this week's chemo. Since I am on so many meds, I can never tell which is causing what.

Early on treatment mornings, I take Dex steroid pills (7 x 4mg = 28mg) before I leave for the chemo lab. Then at the chemo lab, I'm dosed up with more IV steroids @8mg for a total of 36mg. Interesting amount. For years I have done 40mg as 10 pills.

Next they give me 2 Tylenol pills, @ 650mg,
Pepcid @ 20mg via IV,
A slow drip bag of Sodium Chloride hydration drips through out the infusion,
And thennnnnn.... a lovely IV push of 50mg of Benadryl.
Yummmyyyyy!!!!!

Many would not "enjoy" this medication ride as I do, but honestly, with everything I am going thru at home with my Alzheimer's hubby, sad to say... this is like a "spa escape" for me. The steroids quiet all the bone pain, headaches, and random body aches and pains, and gives me an amazing energy boost. Honestly, I just feel good all over. Sometimes a little buzzed, but all depends on how low my CBC levels are. Then when the Benadryl hits, I get all woozy and cruisy. You know that calm, serene feeling floating on a boat. Ah, just so lovely! How do you spell RELAX! Yep, it's just so warm and fuzzy and woozy without the boozy, lol. I know many would not agree with me, and absolutely do not like this feeling, but since I never did drugs or booze, I enjoy this medical relaxation. Groovy woozy :))

All these meds circulate and do their thing for about 40, 45 minutes, before they start the Elotuzumab-Emplicity IV. There are various drip speeds and time protocols, but I always ask my nurses to slo-mo everything, so I don't have a strong reaction. Plus, and you'll laugh at this, I just want to spend as much time relaxing there as I possibly can. How funny and how sad is that!

I only have a slight stuffy throat reaction to the Elotuz, but really nothing at all during the infusion. I then take Revlimid pills nightly for 21 days.

But then.......... like clockwork.. about 36 hours later, all the "good" side effects begin wearing off, and rather quickly, the YUCKY begins... and it's all down hill from there for a few days. This week because of the Memorial Day Holiday, my infusion was on Tuesday, so late on Wed the Yuck began and really revved up on Thursday and into Friday. I was extremely weak, fatigued, had lovely diarrhea off and on late Wed, into all day Thurs, and into Fri. Ugh... so exhausting. I was so fatigued and tired, I actually almost fell asleep on the pottie several times.

So way back in the day, when I was on Revlimid, I had crazy unpredictable diarrhea, well actually it became predictable. I have some pretty funny blog posts about it, mostly during 2013, 2014, 2015. So here we go again with that, and the fatigue. Oh the awful, exhausting fatigue from daily Revlimid.

And I am just trying to do so much, too much, each day, just maintaining our household, ranch, plants, animals, people, laundry, bills, cleaning, fixing, repairing, insurance, ordering supplies, being organizer, supervisor, navigator and "boss lady" to everyone and everything. Thursday, I just had to give up, and give in, as I could barely stay awake. And I was so dizzy too. I'm not a napper, but I eventually just collapsed on the couch.

This coming week I'm supposed to do the MRI "without and with" the scary Gadolinium contrast. Will I do it? Not sure. Am I worried about how myeloma is raging inside of me, Yes. Do I feel "weird things" in my head and body where the tumors, masses, lesions are... Yes. Do I want to Really Know What's Going On? Hmmmm, not sure. And I always wanted to know it all, always wanted to know all the details... but now... maybe "ignorance is bliss" in this case. Just too much on my plate right now. Wasn't supposed to be like this. We weren't both supposed to be so sick, and at the same time. Just such a tragedy. So much is a tragedy in this life. Didn't used to be so challenging. Why, body, why did you, are you sabotaging me so much. Sabotaging our lives. Lives we worked so hard for, so carefully. 10 and a half years is a long time to be battling cancer, ingesting chemo non stop. I'm amazed I'm as "well" as I am for all I've been through. Grateful yes. Exhausted yes. Answers coming up next blog that I probably don't want to hear, or deal with...

Thank you for reading and caring, and I hope your life is simpler, happier, and less challenging. But in the Big Picture of Things... in the Big Giant Picture of Things... I'm ok...

Hello Elotuzumab and My Ol Friend Revlimid

5.20.20
Hello Friends-

So much to share, and of course today is Crash Day from Monday's New Treatment Regimen, so I'm feeling new and different side effects, ugh... Also just as I was beginning this post, I received new (shocking) lab results from Monday's pre-infusion blood draw. Didn't know they were running my IGA, Beta2, along with the basic CBCs, etc, prior to my new treatment infusion, but glad they did as a baseline...  Thank you for checking in and caring as you do!

Ok, here we go with the new treatment story:

Hello my new Myeloma killer- Elotuzumab!

Hello new Infusion friend to pummel Myeloma

Hello again, my ol friend Revlimid who originally saved my life

after my December 30, 2009 IGA Lambda Myeloma diagnosis.
Was on Revlimid 2010 before my July 2010 SCT,
Then low dose maintenance 2011, 2012
Took a break summer 2012 to summer 2013,
Then back on 2013, 2014, early 2015
Until I became "Refractory" to it, and switched
to Kyprolis...

So basically my Myeloma is trying to rage again. I am such an "under reactor" and naive optimist, and always think things will just magically be ok, or that my myeloma diagnosis was a mistake. Until I get slapped in the face with reality in the form of lab results. Well I've received several wake up calls in the last week, along with side effects that just won't go away. All these I have been denying away for quite some time now. 

I had a CT scan back in January, and it was noted that I have a new "mass" in my Right side skull. It measures 36 x 37mm. I think I even posted about it then, but with my husband's complicated Alzheimer's situation, and then the rise of Corona Covid, I ignored my news and hoped it was all wrong, or again, would just magically resolve itself. Well, as my headaches came and went with varying degrees of intensity, I just couldn't deny something was up in my head. I had intense headaches back in late 2019, early 2020, but associated it with the crazy "head colds" I had on and off in Dec, Jan, Feb. I even had a CD disc of the CT, but I can't make heads or tails of the data, and it all looks like outer space meteors and aliens to me. It wasn't until I met with my Dr last Thursday, and she was able to locate the written report and print it out for me, that the reality of this monster growing in my skull, hit me. And it's continued to hit more and more each day, along with the increase in IGA, Beta2 and M Protein levels. I can't deny my status anymore, and I can't just "hope" it will all be better, and disappear... Here are my realities and wake up calls: 

Wow, a 500 point jump in just 10 days!

Up up up...

So Monday was the first of my new treatment triplet of Elotuzumab/Emplicity, 28mg of Dex steroid pills at home, along with another boost of 8mg of Dex steroids via IV with the Elotuz infusion, along with 50mg of Benadryl, along with 2 pills of Tylenol, I think a total of 500mg, and some Pepcid. Then I take the 10mg Revlimid pills daily (at night) for 21 days, just like years ago. Basically all went ok with the first infusion. I did have a slight stuffy throat reaction very briefly, but we slowed the flow of the infusion, and all was ok. As I have posted before, I love the up up up buzz I get from the Dex steroids, along with the relaxing sleepiness of 50mg of IV Benadryl, along with the time I am at the chemo lab "just relaxing", no one needing me,... so treatment days for me, are actually rather pleasant lol. But I know the crash is coming, so I do mentally prepare for that. Late Tues, into Wed is a struggle, but by mid Thursday, I begin to feel a lot better. I'm very fortunate I respond well to steroids, and don't have the horrible reaction many do. Well, some weeks I do. Some weeks it's harder on my stomach than others. I have associated that the lower my WBC, the less dramatic UP I have. 

Here we go

back to IV infusions

Lucky me, room with a lovely view

Anyway, I have scheduled the recommended MRI for early June, to further look at the monster growing in my head. I am still uncomfortable with the Gadolinium contrast used for the scan, but I guess I will just have to take my chances, and hope I don't have some crazy allergic or kidney reaction. 

https://www.cancertodaymag.org/Pages/Summer2019/Concerns-Raised-About-MRI-Contrast-Dye.aspx 

https://www.drugwatch.com/gadolinium/side-effects/

Please let me know if any of you reading this have had a negative experience with the Gadolinium contrast dye with a MRI... Ugh, I just don't want to deal with another challenge... 

I'm just so sad Myeloma has consumed the last ten and a half years of my life, and the reality is, will consume the rest of my life, just trying to stay alive and deal with all the side effects and body deterioration. A mass in my skull, head is kinda scary. I've been allowing myself to think more about this reality. Radiation to the head, brain is a bit scary... Don't want to lose any more brains than I already have...

Hoping this crazy life isn't too crazy for you, during these crazy crazy times! Thank you for checking in and caring about my story as you do. I appreciate all your comments, and you sharing your story here with me and everyone else.

Jack and Nala

2 of our "support staff" :))

https://www.myelomacrowd.org/karyopharm-donates-free-masks-for-multiple-myeloma-and-other-patients/

What Happened to my Life

5.10.20

Hello May

(I'm, writing this several days before posting, so not sure I will even post these thoughts...
Ok I will, as no-filter is my middle name :)

I shouldn't whine and complain, but I'm just so sad...

I have so much to be grateful for, on so many levels, compared to so many, especially in these crazy Pandemic times, but I lost my life and future dreams long before CoronaVirus changed the world.

I look outside my window and see such beauty 

Beauty Jim and I created over 38 amazing years

Beauty we were supposed to enjoy, not be challenged by

I look outside and see our past, our current, and wonder our future

I see Blue skies, green trees, green lawn, happy plants and colorful flowers
His roses, so loved and cared for, now "my" roses needing "my" care
So much upkeep to keep everything beautiful, alive, thriving, clean

I look outside and see my horses hanging out in the sun, swishing flies

I see my horses there, just there, and I remember the life we used to have

I see my horses out there, and remember the times I could "just go out there", just ride, just hang out with them, hang with the kids and adult friends, minus medical challenges

I look outside and see decades of TLC invested in our ranch

I look outside and see how much there is to appreciate and enjoy

I look outside and realize how much I cannot do any more

I look outside and realize how limited I am
I am just so depleted, so exhausted mentally and physically

I realize how much Myeloma has limited my life

Limited my ability to do and enjoy as I used to, as I always envisioned I could and would

I look outside and know I must continue on for the humans and animals that count on me, rely on me for Everything...
I know how much Myeloma (and Alzheimer's) has changed me now
I'm not the girl that started writing this blog in 2010

Physically, my head hurts

The base of my neck hurts

Headaches are non stop

When I sleep, I feel like my head is made of cement, and I am sleeping on bricks
I dislike taking pain meds as I've always tried to work thru pain and I worry about the additional impact on my vital organs
But I've had to take Tylenol, Advil several times a day just to take the edge of the pain, just to do the minimum, of the maximum I want to do
Dex Steroids Save My Life! They relieve so much of all of this. Today I feel ok, finally, I don't hurt so much. Dex Steroids Save My Life on so many levels.
Remember... Myeloma Hates Steroids!

But my immune system is always so low, stealing all my energy and dreams of doing and the things I want to do, and all the things I saved for "later", for when I retired, and thought I would "own my own life" ... ha! Such a stolen life in so many ways...

My treatment crashes last longer now, and I am spending more time in bathroom with surprise side effects. I hate GI side effects, I hate pain, I hate living wondering what will happen each day to me that Is Out of My Control. I used to be so healthy. This makes me so sad. I used to be so healthy. What Happened. Why did my body sabotage me? Why me? Why was my life stolen from me? Whine Whine Whine, Sad Sad Sad.... I seriously ask for so little, want so little, just want to enjoy nature and our home and our animals, and all the humans in our life. I just want to enjoy life pain free. Is that too much to ask. I'm tired. Tired of being tired. Sick of being sick. Done with Challenges... ok Julie, shut up and move forward. I know, I am very fortunate! Going on 11 years with Myeloma, and I am still functional on many levels...

So 5.10.20 was Mother's Day, and I hope all my Momma friends and followers had a wonderful day celebrating YOU and all that you have done for others as a Mom. Yesterday was a bit sabotaged for me, as Jim's brain functioned on a more active level yesterday morning, and at about 6:50am our house alarm started SCREEEEEECHING, abosolutely scaring the $#!% out of me. I jumped out of bed begrudgingly as I wasn't sure what I would be finding in the family room, where Jim sleeps in a chair... that's another long story I will tell if you'd like to hear...

Long story short, he had gotten up all by himself, walked to the door a few feet away WITHOUT his cane or walker, and opened the door a little bit, setting off the alarm. Most of me wasn't happy, as I'm soooo very sleep deprived, part of me shocked at his mobility, a little bit of me was incredulous and happy for him. But the part of me that is sleep deprived, achy, tired, hurting, frustrated, etc, and a Cancer Patient that never really gets the "luxury" of "being a cancer patient"...  reacted in a not so "adult manner". I let him out alone, and said sarcastically.... "ok, you woke me up early, scared the crap out of me, and here you are, with your brain telling you it's time to get outside and feed the horses, just like you used to".... "Great for you Jim, if only this was real..."but I'm not going out there at 7am!" "Gooo, just go if you want to, since your body is so ok today", good for you"... Happy #%&#! Mother's Day to me"! I sighed, cried, and started to video his precarious walk out to the horse corral. Not his fault, he can't help his brain-body sabotage either. I hate Alzheimer's more than I hate Myeloma...

Yes, bad me... but I'm sure y'all can understand my frustrated, overwhelmed, exhausted emotions.

So I filmed him as he slowly, actually somewhat solidly made it to the horse arena, where THANKFULLY our gardener (who I'd hired a few years ago to help with the early morning horse chores, was already out there with his helper), noticed Jim, and immediately went to him. I could tell how shocked he was! I knew he was looking for me or Jim's caregiver, but we were no where to be seen or found LOL. Eventually Antonio came to the porch and got Jim's walker, and Jim safely made it back to the house, thank you Tony! Me, still shocked, frustrated, happy, sad, a bit angry, so I had a meltdown with this in my face reality of all the challenges I must deal with daily, with my cancer situation, and Jim's Alzheimer's. Maybe I can upload a video from this insane brain event. No doubt, Jim keeps defying the Alzheimer's odds. I'm happy and so sad for him...

I have a BIG DECISION oncology appointment Tues, May 12, so I will let you know my current Myeloma lab status and what decisions my Dr and I come to regarding changing up my chemo regimen next week. Did I mention that last week I only did the 40mg Dex steroids and 400mg Cytoxan Cyclophosphamide. And Monday (today), I only did 40 mg Dex steroids, as my Dr wanted me to "clear my system" for the new regimen of Elotuzumab Emplicity and Pomalyst...
Oh boyyyyy, here we go.... Ughhhhh

Ok, I will update you on my next post, 5.20.20
Lots going on, chemo changes May 18, MRI coming, head skull neck pain from myeloma lesions, tumor, mass.... oy!

Thank you for reading and caring and posting hellos :)) Stay well and strong on all levels. It's a job, isn't it :))