Sick of Being Sick and Other Myeloma Nonsense

7.28.18

Yes there was a time in my life when I was well. Well all the time. Took my body and body functions for granted. Living a "normal" life, with only the "regular" annual bugs parents and kids get. I really never thought about illness or sickness, only when we were, and then we all got over it.. Never thought about what it would be like to feel "sick" and exhausted all the time, and never occurred to me to "plan" for being sick.

Now that's all I do. Feeling sick, being sick, thinking about illness and sickness, avoiding being sick from unplanned cootie contamination, or planning when I'll be "sick" from medication side effects. Even after 8 and a half years, it's still so strange to for me to "have to" focus on, plan for, be aware of sickness and feeling sick. Just so weird still. Spins my head being "sick" each week. Sick for me is unrelenting fatigue, achy, weak muscles, joints, nerves, bones, headaches, bloating, swelling, some GI issues, all around malaise and so little energy. And then on top of the weekly "predictable" medication crash, there's the surprise sicknesses, or new yucky side effects, new pain, fevers, from myeloma morphing, mutating all the time, and daily, weekly, monthly, myeloma treatments.

I'm still reeling from my July 3rd broken rib incident, and then the awful, horrible, painful, pain beyond pain, high feverish reaction to my first Zometa infusion July 10th. I finally began to feel better this past week, and 40mg of Dexamethasone steroids helped. After about 9 days the fever was finally gone, and slowly the crazy achy bone, muscle, joint, nerve pain lessened and subsided. I still can't believe all this happened to me. I thought I'd have the "normal" Zometa side effects for a few days, not the EXTREME torture I had for 2 weeks! I just don't see myself as a "sickie" and I just can't stand feeling unwell all the time. Just not me!

So just when I started to feel relief and think I'd get a break this last week of July, before my next round of chemo July 30th, boom!, body sabotage hits me again. My blood tests reveal I'm Neutropenic AGAIN. Yep, did my monthly Labs yesterday, July 27, and in no time heard from my Dr that I'll need to start 3 days of Neupogen Zarxio injections, as my WBC is 2.0 (4 - 11 normal range),  and my ANC is .71 (1.80 - 7.70 normal range), yes "point" .71

Whoo hoo. Isolation Bubble Time... again..., no events, no eating out, no crowds, no fresh fruits and veggies, etc etc etc Hello Neutropenic life, Neutropenic diet...  Time to grab some belly fat, and stick that needle in. Just like tossing a dart at close range :)) Get in my cells magical Zarxio and pump up my immune system!

OMG, just read the fine print on this!

"Derived from E-Coli"!! Whhhaaaattt??!!!
What the Heck! Medication to build me up
is derived from sickie cooties!
Ugh, have to read up on this for sure!

================

Forgive me if I sound whiny, as I am always super aware of how awful "It Could Be", and how challenged so many of my myeloma pals are, not to mention 3/4 of the world! But all this affects me so much, as I was so well for 48 years of my life. And just as I was getting over the broken rib pain, and the crazy Zometa reaction, our A/C died when it was 110 for days, my dryer tried to start a fire and burn our house down, I walked into a black widow web, and was almost bit, and one of my horses was on the verge of Colicing in this horrible HOT weather, and I have more and more "caregiving" tasks for my ol hubby, as he too, is being sabotaged and betrayed by his body...but that's a whole 'nother blog...

As a Counselor for 35 years, I was focused on helping others analyze and solve their issues, and I was super focused on my family life, so I didn't focus on me. I didn't need to. Now, sadly, myeloma "forces" me to constantly think about my situation, and constantly "feel" all my physical side effects. I'm "sick" of me and my issues... 8 years, 7 months is a long time... soon 8 years, 8 months... is a long time to be focused on staying alive, a long time to be treating incurable cancer, a long time to feel unwell, and a long time to always be surprised by unwanted side effects... 8.8 years... wow... waahh, waaahhh...

Anyway, here's my Neutropenic labs:

And the first hint of myeloma on the move-

I'll see all my labs on Monday, July 30

at my next Dr appt and Darzalex infusion

And lest I forget, 8 years ago TODAY, July 28, 2010, I was finally released from City of Hope hospital, after being there for all of July, for my Autologous Stem Cell Transplant. How fitting that I'm Neutropenic this month, and have had so much myeloma DRAMA, right! Just a "little" reminder of what I went through 8 years ago! So no complaints, as I haven't been hospitalized since then, and I hope to be able to continue out-patient treatment for a long time...  

This was an amazing crescent moon earlier in the month

with Venus close by!

Live happy, live well, and make a difference somewhere, somehow, 

with someone or something as often as you can!

What The Heck Zometa! A Week of Fevers and Pain

Hello 8.18.18

Really Body? What's up with all this torture? What did I ever do to you to deserve this backlash? Remember,... at this time in my life, we were supposed to be PLAYING, winding down my career, and chillin for a change? I won't even list all my mid-life, second half of my life goals and plans. It's just waaaaay too sad. Never ever, did I ever think I'd be faced with all the challenges I am. Mine and my husband's...

Everyone's Myeloma, or chonic, incurable, forever illness attacks differently. Everyone handles illness, pain and challenges differently. Myeloma faked me out in the beginning. Faked everyone out who knew me and saw me in public. No one could ever understand how sick I was on the inside, and the intensity of the monster growing daily inside of me. I didn't get it either or comprehend what "aggressive myeloma" meant back then. Now I do.

Immediately, after my Dec 30 2009 diagnosis, I was put on Dexamethasone steroids. Never had been on steroids in my life, so the fun ups, and the crazy downs, were a new ride for me. Back then, for a month, I started on 20mg 4 days on, 4 days off. But when when my Dr tried upping Revlimid from 10mg to 15mg, I developed the dreaded Revlimid body rash. So from February 2010 to end of May 2010, I was on 40mg of Dex, 4 days on, 4 days off. THAT'S 160mg OF STEROIDS PER WEEK FOR 4 MONTHS! Wow!!

As a result of this high dose, the many "typical myeloma side effects" remained "hidden" to me. And with all those steroids in me, Revlimid didn't stand a chance of causing me "volcanic GI issues", as the steroids corked me up! So thanks to steroids masking symptoms, I was thinking, "hey, this 70% myeloma cancer thing is "tolerable", and I can still continue on being "Julie"" LOL LOL

I then had one dose of IV Cytoxan, which woke me up and made me FEEL LIKE A SICK CANCER PATIENT for 24 hours. But after that, I sailed through the Stem Cell Transplant prep, harvesting 9.5 million stem cells, and the first few days as an inpatient at City of Hope Hospital wasn't bad at all. But midway through the process, when THE HIGH DOSE MELPHALAN CHEMO KICKED IN, I TRULY LEARNED WHAT A BEING A SUPER SICK CANCER PATIENT WAS ALL ABOUT. That was challenging beyond all words.

After my recovery in August and September, as I slowly crept back to beginning to feel like Julie again, and finding out that my SCT process was successful, I began to think I could put it all behind me, "and get back to my "normal" life again" LOL LOL. My son buzzed me October 1, 2010, and that was great symbolism of my new beginning! I remained on 5mg Revlimid maintenance for 2 years. I was very immune compromised, still extremely fatigued, and had GI issues, aches, pains, etc, but overall had a good quality of life that allowed me to get back to 50% of my life.

My Dr then wanted to try a "medication holiday", so I went off maintenance Revlimid. Within a year Myeloma roared back, late (2013) and the rest is history.

For 7 years, any xray, or skeletal scan I did, showed NO BONE INVOLVEMENT. I was a little snarky about this, as I always thought "I was different". Shame on me. Then my first visible lytic lesion was seen in my annual skeletal scan, April 2017. Of course it was a "Hole in my Head"!! A hole in my skull. Of course that's where my first lesion was seen. My myeloma cells definitely have a sense of humor with me! I didn't panic or worry, as me and my Drs seemed confident that was the "only one".

But a year later, April 2018, I was sent for a full body Pet CT Scan. If you've been following my blog, you know the dramatic and shocking news that the results brought. I think my Drs have "regret", or feel bad that none of my Drs had ever requested an earlier baseline Pet CT Scan for me. I'm a little upset it wasn't done sooner, but then again, "Ignorance is Bliss", and I lived for years thinking my bones were strong and "holeless"! My treatment meds probably wouldn't have been any different, just that Zometa may have been introduced years ago? Who knows and I don't look back with regrets, as perhaps not knowing this news, helped with my positive optimistic fighting attitude. Who knows if all my "INNUMERABLE" holes just grew in one year. Probably not possible. With the extensive amount of holes I have, and with terms on the scan result report mentioning something about lesions "treated", I've most likely been "holey" for sometime now. Thinking back over the years, I do recall several Drs mentioning that I should probably do Zomenta.

WELL I DID, and ZOMETA I HATE YOU! I hate what you have done to me this past week. I hate the pain and suffering you caused me. I hate the awful, high fevers (101+, 102+, 103+ for 3 days), I had to endure. And I still have a fever over 99 daily, some days over 100! 8 days so far, with today's reading, 100.9. I hate the awful, deep, painful, searing, pounding, slicing, piercing, electrical current pain you sent throughout my entire body, and weirdly all up and down my left side butt to lower leg. Crazy deep pain that drives me batty. I try to walk it out, stretch it out, sit it out, lay, lie it out, liniment it out, stamp it out, pound it out, pain pill it out, and it's relentless! Especially at night...

I read all about the side effects.Talked to tons of myeloma patients about their Zometa experiences. I did all the right things to "prevent extreme side effects". My infusion was 30 minutes long. My nurse did hydration before and after. I asked her to finish the rest of the bag, after Zometa was done. I hydrated like a fish. I always hydrate a lot. As a matter of fact, I'M SICK OF HYDRATING. I'm so tired of trying to do the right things, eat right, drink right, move right, blah blah blah. I did all the right things, AND I STILL HAD HORRIBLE SIDE EFFECTS, AND I STILL HAVE A FEVER, DAY 8! I still ache all over, and have a headache. I rarely get headaches. And when I move, I get surprising shocking twinges all of a sudden.

I am better, pain wise from a week ago for sure. A little more relief everyday. But yesterday, I knew in the middle of the night I still had a fever. When I took it, it was 99.8. Dang it! Thought I was done with fevers. But the fever yuckiness feeling is indisputable. Felt the same telltale signs again today... Yes, a Zometa fever for 8 days now.

Early yesterday, my husband had cataract surgery scheduled in the morning. I never feel well in the mornings anyway, and the fever was just complicating everything. Of course all week I "worried" that it was going on a week with a roller coaster fever, but each day I kept thinking it would disappear, and so would my awful symptoms. Tylenol and Advil of course masked the fever symptoms, and only when I let it's affects wear off, did I know the "real truth" about my status. All this was not what I had heard, not what I had read, not what I expected regarding Zomenta infusions. Zometa is not supposed to be a "big deal". It was a HUGE deal with me.

I worried about the length of time I've had a fever, so I had our super helper daughter go with Jim to his surgery, and I went to Urgent Care. They always apologize for the limitations of what they can do for me, as my situation is so complicated for Urgent Care, and I am always encouraged to go to ER instead. Um, Nope! Further away, I feel lousy, and waiting in ER! OMG, no thank you! I had a very caring UC Dr who set me up for many blood tests, bacteria tests, and a chest xray. She also contacted my Oncology Office, letting them know of my situation.

I was there for hours. Hours. I didn't bring my pantry and refrigerator with me, so midway through, I'm starving. I did have enough water in my car, so I kept hydrated. Funny though how I was in eyesight of the Vending Machine, but yuck! All the human cooties on that, grossed me out, no matter how hungry I was!

My labs came back ok. Not much different than they "normally" are... EXCEPT my WBC was skyscraper HIGH (for me) of 6.8. Ok, for most of you, that's normal, and good. My WBCs barely get out of the 2's... so to me, something was up. Must be a crazy battle inside me. Having a strong WBC, wow, my cells must partying it up. I pictured the newly powered whites beating up the myeloma cells, and the Zometa in there fueling the fire. I thought hmmmm, wonder if all my EXTREME PAIN and fevers for a week was due to Zometa doing something "good", powering up my system, infiltrating my bones, boosting up my plasma cells, and pummeling the myeloma cells?

My xray showed clear lungs, no pneumonia. Still waiting on the bacterial cultures. But I'm not worried. And thankfully my UC Dr did not want to give me antibiotics unnecessarily. I was beat up from being there for hours, but very appreciative for the quality care.

But I still have a fever...

So where does all this insanity leave me today, 8.18.18... still with a 99.4(am), 100.9(pm) fever, that of course varies with when I take Tylenol or Advil. The killer bone pain has subsided, but I tingle and get twinges all over. I feel weird feelings everywhere, even my teeth and jaw hurts periodically... great, here come's ONJ, my greatest fear with Zometa.

Who knows why I had such an awful and excruciatingly painful reaction to it, but as I said in my previous post, I just don't know if I can do it again... But, If, If, If, my myeloma labs I'll do next week, (and then see at my July 30 appointment), show that Zometa had a dramatic affect... maybe, just maybe I may "elect" to SUFFER again in several months. And yes friends, I will grow up, and ask for stronger big girl Pain Meds!!! And to those that have mentioned Xgeva, I will inquire about that too. But for now I am just reveling in feeling a tiny bit, yes a tiny bit, better each hour!

Live happy, live well, and make a difference somewhere, somehow, 

with someone or something as often as you can!

Zometa Backlash, I Can't Handle the Pain... Sometimes Myeloma Wins

Hello Friday The 13th!

7.13.18 - Friday the 13th.
It's so ironic, and so fitting that I've had awful, pain beyond painful pain, these last few days, as 8 years ago this month, I was at City of Hope Hospital, experiencing all the yucky Melphalan chemo, Stem Cell Transplant Crash side effects. I was in the middle of the process, with my CBCs near nothing, feverish, trying desperately to survive and heal, fighting to become me again, desperate to get from the hospital to home.

So how fitting I had my first Zometa infusion on Tuesday, along with finding out about my Broken Rib. Of course my "friend" Dex Steroids propped me up that day, but it was all downhill from there these last few days, and I thought I would never come out of the pain, fever and awful physical suffering that I endured from early Wednesday through all of Thursday, and Thursday night, and into today Friday the 13th, and I suspect onward for several days...

I wrote the following thoughts early this morning, after 2 1/2 days of the worst bone, muscular, nerve, feverish pain I have experienced in a very long time, if ever? I don't know... I have so many incidences of pain to recall now, I can't remember...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

True (unfiltered) Confessions of a Tired Cancer Warrior

Sitting on the edge of my bed at 2:30am weeping from the depths of my extreme pain, and frustration with my ongoing, never-to-end-battle with myeloma, I questioned whether I could keep doing this... The pain was just unbelievably excruciating...  

8 1/2 years is a long time, for me at least, to be sick and in a constant battle with my body.Too long (for me, who used to be so healthy), to be constantly challenged. I am fighting an internal monster that is much stronger and smarter than my body, and eventually always stronger than all the medications I have taken or will ever take. Myeloma will always mutate and outsmart any treatment I do. I will never have a break, never "remission" without continuous chemo. Never, Ever.

Simply put, if I want to live, I must treat, always, continually, non stop. This is my myeloma life sentence. Yet I am so tired fighting and feeling awful for most days of every week, except on steroid days. I am not as strong everyone thinks I am. I really am not. 

To be candid friends, most of my (facebook) posts, where you all so kindly compliment me on my smile, my energy, my fighting spirit, are the days I am all "Roided up", "Dexified" (as my dear myeloma cowgirl Jan calls it), on powerful medical steroids. Dexamethasone is a fun, crazy making medication the first day or 2. It energizes me, gives me fake euphoria, temporarily heals my body, mask's pain and even has strong myeloma killing properties. But as anyone who drinks or drugs knows, the crash crashes you, and the physical awfulness eventually overcomes, enveloping your body, your entire being for days. 

So I retreat into a yucky blah, for days, only to surface again for the same drill. Chemo, steroids, chemo, steroids, chemo, steroids, the next week, the next week, the next week, the next week, for my forever... Imagine knowing that EVERY WEEK OF YOUR LIFE, YOU WILL BE SICK from side effects. Every week you must plan your life around when to be sick, when to crash, when to feel awful. Every week for the rest of your life.

And the crazy irony is I'm "sick" from side effects of medications trying to make me "well". Yes, I have to be sick in an attempt to be well. I have to be sick, to survive, I have to be sick to stay ahead of myeloma. 

BUT WHAT SENT ME into the depths of "I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE", "I dont know if I can keep suffering like this any more, with literally no end in sight", was the horrible, unrelenting PAIN I experienced from Tueday"s new IV bone strengthener, Zometa infusion. 

I expected side effects and was mentally prepared for "something". But the something turned in to a fever as high as 102 -103, with unrelenting deep bone pain and body aches as I have never experienced. The depth of pain is truly indescribable. I couldn't get relief. Yes, I only do advil and tylenol, as I don't want to chance another side effect making me feel sick.

The unrelenting deep ache was overwhelming. I paced, I sat, I reclined, I stretched, I walked, I kneeled on the edge of my bed, awkwardly angled to try to sleep. I tried a heating pad, Solanpas, and those menthol minty ointments. I hydrated, but had little appetite. I cried and I cussed. The fever exaggerated the pain too. And at my depths, I looked skyward and cried, "Why me, Why?" "I can't do this anymore"... 

I'm really not strong friends. Well yes, mentally I am, but not physically. I can handle most things of a psychological nature, but each time I am confronted with REAL physical pain, I crumble. I don't know how most people who live with worse challenges than me, do it. And in comparison, my challenges are tiny, compared to others. I am not strong friends, and I am so very tired of this battle... 

I woke up today with less a fever, and without as much killer bone, nerve pain. I can breathe better, and I have a better perspective. I still feel like I was hit, rolled over by a giant tractor with huge spikes, but I am better. But I don't think I will do this medication again... I am not strong, I hate pain, and I hate suffering. 

Thank you for reading and being loyal blog followers! 

Live happy, live well, and make a difference somewhere, somehow, 

with someone or something as often as you can!

No Way! Can't Be Possible! I Have a Broken Rib!

7.10.18

What a day today! OMG! Getting my new bone strengthener Zometa IV, and then down to Urgent Care for consultation and Xrays on my painful Left side rib chest area, where I think I strained, sprained, tweaked, pulled, spasm-ed a muscle! I really didn't think I could have broken or fractured a bone from repressing, suppressing a sudden choke, cough, sneeze when driving home from my Darzalex infusion last Tuesday...

But what was I thinking this last week with all the crazy intense pain I endured for a week so far? Well I wasn't thinking smart, I was in denial. I really didn't believe, me cowgirl Julie, could "break" a bone. I always secretly think I'm Dominating myeloma, Not myeloma dominating me. Honestly, even with all my Myeloma damage, I really didn't think it was, or would be my story. Blame it on being "Blonde" or the "chemo fog" :))

Yes, just slam me with reality Xray results, as I do in fact have a Broken Bone! Never in all of my lifetime, broke anything. Even with all my outdoor sports, horse riding activities and events with my kids! Never ever had I broken a bone. Well I did, I broke, fractured a left rib with my crazy swallowing water the wrong way, then trying to suppress, repress the ensuing all-in-one choke, cough, sneeze, so I wouldn't blast water all over my car's dash! I broke my rib doing that! Seriously, laugh with me... I'm "dying laughing" here!!! :)) See my previous post for the ridiculous story. Next time, actually hopefully never another next time, but next time, I'll spit that water out all over whatever or whomever is near me :))

I shouldn't be surprised, right. I am riddled with Myeloma bone lesions, holes, holey tumors, lytic lesion tumors from my skull to my lower legs! Maybe to my toes? Holes to my toes. LOL. But the irony friends... Here I was at my very first Zometa IV treatment to Strengthen my bones, and then a few hours later, I find out I have bizarrely broken a bone, a rib! OMG, can my life get more ridiculous and ironic? Hello vicious myeloma complications.

Yep! The evidence!

When consulting with the Urgent Care Dr, I candidly tell my story as if I was talking about someone else. I still feel all this just couldn't be happening to me! He and others tell me they, "can't believe how positive, up-beat, fun, funny", and in his words" with amazing energy" I am, not to mention I "look "normal" lol. As he reviews my complex medical records, he says it just don't fit the person in front him. I Quickly Clarify that I took 20mg of Dexamethasone steroids much earlier, "so you're getting the extra animated, fully energized, "Dexified" Julie today". I even cheated and only took 20mg today, as all this muscle wasting, muscle pains and strains side effects are concerning me regarding the high dose 40mg Dex. Indeed, the external misrepresents the internal disaster...

Yes, last Tuesday, July 3, I was driving myself home from my Darzalex IV infusion, and swigged too much water in one gulp, causing me to choke, and need to cough, sneeze and spit out all at the same time, and unbeknownst to me, by suppressing this craziness, just to save my car dash I break a rib! Really this did happen. I broke a Rib, suppressing a monster choke! Never again, I've learned the lesson about my fragility.

Then for a few days, high on 40 Dex, I have fun on July 4th, feeling the pain buried under the false pretenses of steroids, but I was still able to carry on. Did I mention, I even scooped horse apples in the arena, took care of the other animals, did some watering of our yard, which involved pulling the hose around, took our 27+ year old Box Turtle to the Vet to have his nails and beak trimmed, and did a zillion other "normal" chores around our house, etc... Until suddenly, Dex, Advil, Tylenol and Flexeril wore off, and reality slammed me! Ouuuuchie... OMG I really do hurt, hence my Urgent Care visit today. Dex steroids dulled the pain, but Xrays don't lie! I have a stikn broken rib!

Yep, loaded up on "fix that rib supplies" tonight. My kind Dr asked me what kinds of meds he could prescribe to help me out, and mentioned all the "big dogs". I thanked him, but said no thanks, as I didn't want to add a new Rx to the mix, that may cause some new side effect. OTC meds have helped out to this point, with the lovely Wintergreen scented patches and good ol Bengay! Can you even imagine if I had an upper GI reax to strong pain meds, and my body wanted to vomit? OMG the pain in the ribs, muscles trying to retch! I don't even want to think about it!

So thanks to Dex steroids, I'll get thru the night, if I can ever get sleepy lol, and I see what tomorrow brings. Will be interesting to see what, if any, side effects I have from the Zometa... please "cancer angels", look out for me...

And thought you'd enjoy the shock and awe of my 21 days of Pomalyst invoice:

And I remember seeing the retail cost of my Darzalex infusion around the same amount. Thank you awesome Kaiser insurance for keeping me alive!

Super awesome chemo lab treats today :))

Just perfect for animal lover me!

Huge huge thank yous to my wonderful chemo nurses! 
Thank you for being a huge component to why I am still here :))
And huge thank yous to my wonderful Urgent Care Dr tonight.

One more point of gratefulness. I wound up seeing a bunch of my friends, colleagues, students, tonight, from my good ol college of employment of 35 years! Seemed more like a summer reunion today, tonight, then being at a medical clinic receiving jaw dropping news, say whaaat news!

Ok, Dex steroids, time to chill and let me go to bed... wonder what tomorrow and tomorrow will bring... May I please have a boring life for a while Myeloma...

Live happy, live well, and make a difference somewhere, somehow, 

with someone or something as often as you can!

Rib Pain Pain, Go Away... It's Zometa Day

7.10.18

That term... "No Pain, No Gain". Ha, Lie!! For me, pain is absolutely debilitating physically and mentally. No "gain" for me. Pain causes me to "rethink" my life when I am so incredibly miserable. I know pain has a biological, physiological purpose, to alert us there's something wrong, something going on... but geezzz, can't there be an "off" switch for it, once we get the message.

I remember all the pains I had from FUN things I used to be able to do. Outdoor sports, horses, playing with my kids, family trips, animals, etc. Muscular pain from that was annoying, and yes painful, but it has a positive cause. There is not positive purpose, except the physiological awareness-alarm, to this awful, take my breath away pain I've had since steroids wore off last Thursday, July 5th, my 8th SCT anniversay.

Here's what happened:

You can see from my previous post, I managed to have a fun 4th of July, of course because of DEX STEROIDS masking side effects from my chemo day before lol. But on the way home July 3rd, I caused a crazy, stupid, random injury to myself by swallowing water wrong!! Yes, swallowing water wrong! I always try to hydrate well prior to and after my Darzalex infusion, and speaking of that, I must grab a water bottle NOW to hydrate for my 2:00pm, FIRST ZOMETA infusion...

Anyway, on the way home Tues July 3, I took a big swig of water as I was driving, and managed to swallow it wrong, which for me, causes me to need to choke, spit out, cough and sneeze all the same time. This reaction has been exaggerated since my SCT, so something must have changed in my Esophagus? So anyway, in that split second event, I had to choose to spit out in my car, or suppress, repress the choke, sneeze, cough. Well I made the STUPID choice to repress, suppress, restrain that urge, and pushed down the cough, sneeze, choke, awkwardly swallowing the water. You know that feeling when you repress a sneeze. Bad for anyone, but super bad move on my part, as apparently sitting seat belted in, I managed to jar and shock my body into a horrible muscle spasm!

I immediately felt a shocking sharp, searing, tearing, stabbing blot of pain, pinching and ripping in to my Left side rib, chest area, under my bra. Absolutely took my breath away. I kept driving, tried deep breathing, adjusting my posture, and doing mini stretches at the red lights. (Yes, I routinely take the street route home after chemo just in case I am not ok, and can easily pull over). But thanks to Dex steroids, I didn't feel incapacitated at that time and continued home. For the rest of evening and into July 4th, I felt a deep suppressed pain, but it was definitely masked, buried deep, unbeknownst to me, ready to attack in the next several days.

The 40mg steroids I took Tuesday morning suppressed and masked the pain for about 48 hours, but I could feel the deep intense pain coming on, in the middle of the night, Thursday. By this time, I had already done 2 of the 4 Zarxio injections to up my WBCs, so I thought maybe the pain was exacerbated by that, or was being caused by what Zarxio Neupogen is supposed to do... grow more White Cells fast.

Late Friday night, I Googled Left side pain, and was alarmed that it could be my spleen or other vital organs, which is a side effect from Zarxio! I continued to read more about muscle pain, tearing, spasms, and causes, and the good and bad of steroids, as the pain intensified. I learned there is definitely muscle weakening and "muscle wasting" from steroids, and there's differences between all the different types of steroids, Dexamethasone being the strongest. It was too late to get myself to Urgent Care, so I took more Advil, and a muscle relaxant I've had on hand for times like this. Made me think of how many times since Myeloma, I've had excruciating muscular pain, tears, spasms...

"Prednisone is 4 to 5 times more potent than Hydrocortisone and has a longer duration of action, perhaps 12 hours or more. Dexamethasone is 40 to 50 times more potent than hydrocortisone and even longer-acting, 18 to 24 hours.

"Steroid myopathy is damage to the muscle fibers caused by treatment with corticosteroids, such as prednisone, cortisone, dexamethasone and fludrocortisone or overproduction of steroids associated with Cushing's disease. Myopathy causes changes in muscle fibers, including atrophy (shrinkage), lipid (fatty) deposits, necrotic (dead) areas and increased interstitial (connective) tissue between fibers. You may have severe damage to the muscles while the muscles appear normal in size."

"Muscle wasting, weakness with Dexamethasone

Glucocorticoid-induced myopathy is the most common type of drug-induced myopathy

Although any commonly used glucocorticoid can cause myopathy, it is implicated more often with the fluorinated glucocorticoid preparations, such as dexamethasone, triamcinolone, and betamethasone. Switching to a non-fluorinated agent are associated with improvement in muscle weakness."

Those are just a few statements from when I Googled muscle pain, spasms, wasting, etc, regarding Dexamethasone and various steroid side effects. If you haven't before, Google it, very interesting...

So my mind is racing and my body aches. I'ts difficult to breathe, or breathe deeply. I take short little breaths. I can barely adjust myself in chairs, and in bed the pain is so intense, even with Advil and Flexeril. Every time I shift my body, I get searing, tearing, sharp awful stabbing pains. And I can barely get in and out, of a chair. Lying in bed was worse. I could hardly adjust my self one way or another. Just ridiculous and debilitating. I question "everything" at this point, and ask myself, what I do with my beloved animals when they are in pain or in a medical crisis: "Am I Prolonging Life.... or Extending Death".... I'm so miserable at this point...

The days roll into themselves, with me just trying to breathe, move, and get by to the next day, with hopes the extreme pain will diminish. Friday rolls into Saturday, into Sunday. Of course my family is urging me to go to Urgent Care, but as always I resist. I'm so miserable and painful, I couldn't bear the thought of going anywhere in a car and trying to speak to people about my situation. So I don't. Meanwhile, I take Advil hoping it's anti inflammatory properties kick in. I question my life, what I'm doing, what happens from just a random event, that would probably not even affect the "normal" person. I think about everything I have been through in the last 8 years. I think about how all this will be never-ending, and I'll never get a break, and it's only going to get worse. I think and think. I'm so frustrated with what happened to my life. Inwardly I cry "no fair", "why me", "how come". What really is my life now, or to come... I look at my property, animals, family, and remind myself how incredibly blessed I am. I shut down my negative thinking... 

Sunday and Sunday night was the worst. The tearing, searing immobilizing pain. But I am very careful how much Advil I take, as I don't want to cause damage to my Liver, Kidneys, etc. I still wonder about Zarxio and my Spleen, but I didn't think I had a spleen crisis, as I don't have those symptoms, thank goodness! But just in case, I didn't do the 4th Zarxio injection...
And in the middle of all this, when Advil quieted my horrible pain just a tiny window, I took our Box Turtle to the Vet to have his nails and beak trimmed. I had made and cancelled this appointment too many times, so between immobilizing moments, Dot the Turtle had his pedicure :))

Monday, as I wake up and begin move around, I feel some relief. I haven't had any medication since Sunday night. I realize relief is coming, slowly, but on it's way. I continue to move as if I'm made of glass. I do this because of my Myeloma "holes". I do this because of muscular issues. I hate living like my body is glass, but I hate pain more. I take an Advil and wonder what the day will bring. I move slowly, aware of every ache, pain, tearing sensation. I am so angry at my body's betrayal. Slowly, with an irregular Advil, again worrying about my Liver and Kidneys, I feel slow relief. I move ever so tentatively, but I know I must move and try to unstiffen these stiff, pulled, torn, spasmed muscles. I admonish myself for my stupidity for repressing the cough, sneezed last Tuesday.

Now you know why I couldn't post on my "regular 8", July 8th. I started a post, but gave up. I was a mess. Overcome with pain and frustration. Today, Tuesday July 10th, I am leaving soon for my FIRST ZOMETA IV. My pain is better, but of course, guess why??? Yes, today is Tuesday, and when did I last take my weekly steroids? Yes, last Tuesday! So good timing with my weekly, or should I say "weakly" Dex steroids... to the rescue today. But with all I read, I only took 20mg of the "requested" 40mg. 

Also, I did call Urgent Care today, and I will go in for an xray after my infusion, unless the infusion makes me feel yucky, but I suspect now, because again, Dex to the rescue, I'll be ok... today... Who knows how I will feel when my nemesis Dex wears off in 36, 48 hours??? Ugh, waah, waah, waah,... I have to deal with the new Zometa side effects, on top of the muscle spasm, on top of the steroid crash, and oh yes, did I mention, I started my 1,000,000th cycle of Pomalyst Sunday night! Really life? Is all this for real or am I just writing a fiction novel here? 

(Sincere apologies to those reading this who have much more intense life challenges than me.)

Onward I march daily, 

because I "have to", 

because I want to... 

because, because, I must...

Here's my Lab results from last Tuesday's Dr appointment: 

Still no MProtein

Maybe masked by Darzalex?

Darn, IgA over 3x the high end of normal

Not too bad, but WBS = super Immune Compromised

ANC was .8, therefore my Dr prescribed Zarxio

And so dear friends and followers, near and far, that's my story for this week. I keep hoping for a BORING BLOG  POST, but Myeloma just wants me to keep all of entertained. As always, thank you so very much for caring as you do. Hope your life is as smooth as a lake sunset. 

Live happy, live well, and make a difference somewhere, somehow, 

with someone or something as often as you can!

8 Years Ago Today, SCT Anniversary Birthday!

Hello 7.5.18

8 years ago Today, I received my cleansed and cancer-sanitized Stem Cells back into my Myeloma ravaged body. I am proud and thrilled to still be here, able to tell my story and be as "functional" as I am, thank you to modern medicine, amazing people in my life, and my body's ability to handle cancer killing chemicals!

I reflect annually, July 2 - 5 on my initial hospitalization for my Stem Cell Transplant, on July 5th, the Day My 5 Million little Stemmies were infused, and then for the entire month of July. Always I reflect. 24 7, I reflect on my life and my situation. Still so incomprehensible for me...

Sorry if you already read this on my FB page...

"On July 5th, 2010, at about 11:30am, after 2 days of high dose Melphalan chemo, and more supportive meds than I can remember, I received about 5 million of my own Stem Cells infused back into my cancerous body😮

The expectation is that this intensive chemo (after the previous 5 months I had already had), will kill off the myeloma cells, but not me, and the baby stem cells will revitalize, regenerate, renew my system. Lol that's a ridiculously simplistic explanation, but essentially the process😵

In the days following, I became extremely sick, which is to be expected, but my body took it to another level, as my "infusion tubes", aka Hickman Catheter, became horribly infected. I had emergency "room service" surgery to remove it, and was on 5+ antibiotics simultaneously, and bags and bags of supportive meds and nutrition for the whole month of July 2010!😢😭

I was finally well enough to be released home July 28th, and treated with home health care for another month. I slowly recovered, lost my hair, and slowly rediscovered myself again. No doubt being isolated in a hospital room and very very sick is a life altering experience😲

But here I am, 8 years later, able to share my (very edited) anniversary story with you! I am so grateful to be alive, and still able to battle these vicious, unrelentling myeloma cells trying to do me in🤣

Tuesday's chemo has now stolen my celebratory helium, and those energy producing steroids that allowed me to play yesterday, is biting back. So I will conclude my stories for now, and rejoin the world in a few days, which will be just in time to brave up for my new "bone strengthening" IV next Tuesday. The hope is this new med will make my bones, lesions and holes stronger, where myeloma has turned me in to swiss cheese🧀😲

On and on and on goes the unrelenting battle for my life. It's as unbelievable to me, as it is to you! But one day at a time, one treatment at a time, and I live today, fighting for many more tomorrows😀

============
Here's a look back on my 8 years of reflective posts.
They're all so different, yet so similar.
Some years I was more reflective than others.
Some years I didn't write as much as I do now.
Half of 2012, 2013 I wasn't on Myeloma maintenance, and trying to be "normal" again. My Dr and I wanted to test my system and see how I would do without Revlimid continuing to battle on my behalf. Well, soon we found out Myeloma's stealth and vengeance, and back into treatment I went, Fall 2013, and have been there ever since.

As I've mentioned so many times before, the longer I live, the more intense my situation and status becomes to me. I guess my "cancer reality" just sets in deeper, the longer I survive and battle this monster, and "suffer the consequences" of  continual treatments...

2017 Hospital Admission Day

2017 SCT Memories

2016 Reflections

2015 Hospital Admission Day

2015 SCT Anniversary

2014 Hospital Admission Day

2014 SCT Anniversary

2014 SCT Reflections

2013 Not much reflecting!

2012 Unsuccessful Celebration

2011 One Year SCT Reflections

2010 The Whole SCT Experience!


It was a very busy first week of July, as I had my monthly Darzalex infusion on Tuesday, July 3, then the 4th of July holiday was yesterday, and here I am, July 5th, exhausted from "playing" yesterday. Tuesday's steroids are now waning, and the Darzalex and Dex steroids side effects creeping up on me...

To be continued.... as I have test results to report, and Dr conversations to share... Thanks for reading and caring as you all do, and I'll post more medical details on my upcoming July 8th post.

Happy 4th of July

Thanks for going to the Parade with me!

So fun to see these sweet Princesses at the Parade 

Yep, Pomalyst crashed my system this month,

back on 4 days of immune system boosting Zarxio Neupogen shots

Shots and pie!

Happy 4th of July to America

Live happy, live well, and make a difference somewhere, somehow, 

with someone or something as often as you can!