My life's options, my freedom to really be me, ended over 6 years ago. Please don’t tell me there’s a got to be a way for me to be “normal” again, or "get back" to living my life as I knew it, or travel. Even living on Imodium or Lomotil all the time, wearing a mask in public, etc, is just a small issue of this complex diagnosis. More or less meds, won't fix or alleviate myeloma and it's side effects. Please don’t tell me to be brave and change from Revlimid to a different chemo regimen to pummel myeloma harder. It’s really scary to anticipate new, unknown chemo side effects that could be worse, with multiple additional side effects. At least my current physiological challenges are known, albeit unpredictable. It's a combination of medical science and medical magic determining which drugs to use to kill off myeloma, while not knowing which creates which side effects, how it will affect me treatment-wise, combined with how steroids affect me and myeloma, and how they all interact with each other to kill the cancer cells.
Sorry to rant, it's all so complicated and I JUST WANT TO FEEL GOOD!
So we lingered and chatted. I thought I’d be ok. I think I was gone about 2 hours. Whoohoo, big deal, right. I really thought I’d be ok. AND THEN IT HAPPENED. So incredibly SUDDENLY IT HAPPENED. My daughter and I were walking out to our car… and suddenly, I felt the telltale GI rumble. IT SERIOUSLY COMES ON THAT FAST. NO WARNING. NO DISCOMFORT, THEN BOOM! I can’t believe it. What the heck body! Too late to get back to the restaurant bathroom, and I knew at this point, home is where I needed to be, now! Seriously, I’m not going to make it… The closer we get to home, the more DESPERATE I become.
Drive!… Get there!…Drive!... Get home FAST! I warn Alissa I’m pulling into the driveway, not fully parking, and everyone get out of my way… and hopefully I’ll make it. I seriously cannot believe this is happening to me AGAIN. It comes on that SUDDENLY. There’s NO warning. My GI is NOT “normal” like yours. The volcanic eruption just suddenly happens, and I have no choice… I’m always so shocked. I can’t believe I can go from ok, pretend-normal, to absolutely desperate, I am NOT going to make it to my bathroom status. I barely did, seriously barely, without a second to spare. And there I stayed for a long time. Over and over again, and again and again and again and again until I think I finally fell into bed around 1:00 am. Really body, it’s truly so unbelievable… I’m traumatized each time. In stunned disbelief that this is really my life.
So from now on, I’ll feature some funny stories (non GI related!) each time I post, especially since it’s coming to that time of year, where I reminisce about my Fall 2009 diagnosis. How about that!
|Sorry, couldn't resist :)|
I used to whisper to myself: Cancer’s Not going to Change MY life! I’ll show you stupid cancer! Well, ha ha on me... cancer sure showed me, as here I am almost 6 years later, with cancer and chemo side effects still in charge…
So I came across this AMAZING video the other day, that completely summarizes what I would be doing with the 2nd half of my life after I retired from my extremely rewarding college career, if I didn’t have this stupid cancer that has taken over my life and so completely limited my activities and changed my goals forever.