Finally…the crash fog is lifting. I can breathe again. I can feel some relief. I don’t ache as much. I can feel hope again. I’m finally (somewhat) ok in my own skin. I have “perspective” again. The frustration, anger, sadness and overwhelming sense of defeat is disappearing. It’s been 5 bi-polar crazy making days of steroid up up up and down down down.
Then it happens… the crash fog rolls in. The unbearable, awful, stifling, suffocating crash creeps in, engulfing my entire being, strangling me in an undefinable yuckiness. It’s not instantaneous. It creeps in rather slowly, hour by hour, dragging me further down the tunnel of misery, ripping away the surreal “helium high”. It rolls in throughout my body, permeating my being, physically, psychologically, dragging me into a pit of gloom and misery for days.
I take these lovely little mint green pills when I wake up. Some wake up extra early to get a jump start on the crazy-making side effects, so sleep won’t be entirely elusive later on. Me, after almost 7 years now, I’ve learned to not change my life too much to accommodate myeloma. “F you myeloma”, I say to myself as I swallow those 10 little pills. “F you cancer”. So whenever I wake up and get my day started, I take those 10 little magical monsters. As I swallow them, I know all too well what’s to come in the next several hours and days. I know the crazy bi polar extremities awaiting me. But I do what I have to do, to survive.
Several hours later I begin to feel a wonderful sense of “everything’s going to be ok”! My body doesn’t ache as much, my spirits are lifted, I’m feeling more energized, happy and hungry! I feel hope.
|Thank you for the awesome picture Dr Dianne!|
|Here I am, lower right corner lol, DexaMETH lab ;)|
Several more hours later I want to eat the entire grocery store or restaurant menu. I want to do even more things: play, laugh, clean, straighten up, do chores, work, organize, drive, ride, walk, run, play, laugh, scream, write stories, tell stories, plan events, go into my office, help students, help people, save the world, eat good food and not so good food. I want to do everything. I dream of riding my horses, going on trips, hiking, riding, lake sports, skiing, running in nature, yelling to the world, “I’ll be fine!” “I’m winning”! I feel like I can accomplish anything. My power is back. Julie is back, world! Watch out, get on my bus, or get out of the way! Everyone and everything is funny, joyous, happy, accomplishable. I talk louder and don’t care. It feels great to feel so alive!
|Scott trying to cheer me up with a silly selfie|
PS- I'll find out my lab results tomorrow, 10.17.16
Let's see how this new regimen of 40mg Dex is pummeling myeloma! Check back, and I'll update my numbers here after my Dr appt and chemo infusion... and of course, cheers to roids all over again Monday and Tuesday to infinity.
Good News- (well somewhat):
IgA down from 2110 to 2050! Only 60 points, but I'll take the downward direction!
M Protein down from 2.19 to 1.96! Only .23, but I'll take the downward direction!
These are still pretty high numbers...
IgA is 5x the high end of normal range of 70-400
M Protein normal/remission range is zero
Neither level is anywhere near normal...
Thank you for reading, caring, commenting :)) xoxo