Every night, after the challenges of the day, I "escort" the 3 little doggies outside for their nightly pee. They're so funny how they won't "do their business" without me actually walking out with them. But this is how I get to see and feel the magic of night. This is how I get to see and feel the moon, that most miss, by going to bed early. My nightly routine has become me putting Jim to bed, sometimes easy, sometimes an ordeal... more an ordeal when I am not well from weekly chemo side effects. You know that feeling when you Just Want To Be In Bed.... Like Now! And you don't want to deal with Any Thing Else? That's my Tuesday and Wednesday nights. The yucky side effects creeping in, dragging me down, sucking me into awfulness. Nausea, achyness, swollen, bloat, that metallic taste in my mouth, headachy. That over-all chemo crash yuckiness, the punched in the gut, I might get "sick" feeling,... but when I'm outside, no matter how awful I feel, the moon and the beauty of the night, somehow replenishes my spirit and gives me hope to move forward to yet another day.
But as serene and energizing and peaceful this can be, it also triggers sadness in me. A sadness some may find selfish, but it's a profound loss type sadness. Being outside at night, especially on warm, moonlit summer nights, reminds me of days gone by... summer nights full of life, fun, laughter. Summer moonlit horseback rides, summers full of health, happiness, and a sense of carefree that only youth and health allow. I love these moonlit nights, but they make me sad now. I feel so much loss. I am so aware of what I put off, of what I didn't do, of what I didn't accomplish... that now, I'll never be able to do. Don't get mad at me for saying "never". I have to accept my fate. Our fate. Our body betrayals. Being outside at night slams my realities in my face. The beauty of the night, of the moon, only intensifies my losses. Yes, I have so much to be grateful for, but summer nights make me so sad, so aware of what can never be again...
I always look up to the heavens, to the night sky, to the moon and stars and cry out, laugh out... WHY? WHY me? WHY us? How come? How did two people wind up so sabotaged? 2 incurable, terminal illnesses at the same time. I know, I know. The world is full of unfair stories. Everyone has challenges. Everyone has mountains to climb. Rare is it the person or family that plans, and those plans, dreams come true. Most stories are of unrealized dreams, of deep sadness and loss. I know, I know, I am so very "lucky" in so many ways... but I hurt deep inside my core. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am devastated for our losses. For what could have been, that cannot be now. Warm summer nights remind me of what was, what could have been. What should have been...
The doggies circle around me, sensing something. They tentatively lick my leg, or hand. Their tails wag in happiness. They have no idea my sadness. Neither do the horses. They have no idea how I miss those warm summer nights with them, hearing their barefoot hoofs softly, silently impact the cooling dusty earth beneath them. How I miss the breeze whispering through their manes, where I hold the reins. I miss the sweet scent of horse sweat under my saddle. The owls hoot, the night birds quietly chirp, the crickets click, and the horses swish their tails, while scratching and grooming each other, before finding that perfect spot to lay down for the night. They have no idea my sadness. They have no idea how I miss them, even though they are right there. The stars sparkle and wink, the moon shines brighter, lighter... I pull myself together... I force acceptance on myself. I shake my head, but I can't shake the "Why"... But I am grateful, no matter how sad I am. I am grateful for the life we still have, and the miracle that I am still here, 9.9 years after my myeloma diagnosis. I am still here. I am still here...
Hi Julie, Thank you for your honest, encouraging, sometimes sad, sometimes funny, sometimes vulnerable posts. I want to share my dad's story to encourage you to keep on writing and encouraging all who read with your skills at making us feel like we are sitting in your kitchen with you having a conversation. My dad's health began to fade several years before he passed. For his family and friends that knew him long term, the last year of his life we watched as his health failed, sometimes daily. He had lost most of his sight so could not drive or read anymore, lost some hearing, and was in and out of the hospital on a regular basis. Once he died we had a memorial service for him and after the family shared their thoughts they opened up to anyone who wanted to share about my dad. One man came to the microphone who had only know my dad 1 year. The year the family and friends had seen his life deteriorate on almost daily. This man shared how my dad was such an inspiration to my dad and saw him on Sundays when my dad went to church. Needless to say he did not see my dad 52 times as he was not always able to be there. But the man shared that if he saw Stan in church in spite of his challenges, what excuse did he have to not be in church when he was healthy and had no excuses. He said knowing my dad made him a better person. That was quite a surprise but such a blessing to know my dad's life was still impacting people who were in his life. I say all this, Julie, because your blogs are so encouraging, uplifting, inspiring, because of your honesty and transparency. Thank you for continuing to bless all of us who read your story and share your life with us. You may not know who you are encouraging today, but we are there. Love you.
ReplyDeleteHi CB :)) Wow! your comment really touched my heart! Thank you so much for sharing your Dad's story... see he is STILL making a difference in the world! What a wonderful story this is, and his life. Sorry I did not have a chance to know him... I deeply appreciate you taking the time to write as you did, and detail your feelings to me as you have. Means the world to me!! xoxo
ReplyDeleteActually there are times I think I am writing to outer space, and maybe I shouldn't post so often... as you have said, I really don't "know who (I am) encouraging today, but we (you) are there" ... This is such a timely and heartfelt reminder and encouragement to continue writing CB! I wonder how much, how deep, how detailed, etc I should share, but your post encourages me to continue to be REAL and write from the heart CB! Thank you so very much for taking the time to share your story and feelings with me, really really means a lot... I'll keep on sharing... Thank you!!
Hoping you are doing well, and all is good with you and your family! xoxo :)) xoxo